Wednesday, 16 December 2015

'a stalkers psychosis'

 'a stalkers psychosis'
30/12/13

Hi everyone, recently i realised that the experienced i had a few years ago was still troubling me. Not in a big obvious way but something of the feeling of being scared, powerless and hurt has gone deeper than i could have ever imagined. one of my new years resolutions is to engage with these effects and work through them. This thought prompted me to write a letter to myself about the experience. i needed to engage with it again to feel what had been felt. in this day and age we are so busy and too able to make everything alright. it wasn't alright so smoothing it over has somehow allowed it to do more damage than staring it in the face and simply dealing. i am posting it on the blog because a friend of mine read my letter after finding it on the table and made a short film using the words i wrote (first draft so to speak). Gine Maie wanted to offer a place for anyone who has had similar experiences to share and comment so feel free to add comments below or write to me personally if oyu would like to add a blog post here yourself. warm wishes and i hope you have a happy new year isolde

 ‘a stalkers psychosis’

I look into the mirror,
Seeing my own serene reflection,
But the depths of my eyes betray me,
Showing that all is not calm,
I have come so close to danger,
Tension created by his predetorial touch,

He pimps me with his eyes,
As I take off my coat and gloves,
In his psychosis my every move is for him,
He see’s a tanguera,
personal me isn’t in sight,

He checks me out,
I am unavailable,
He checks again and again,
I have to play host and teacher
But I should have told him to leave.

Letters of unrequited love,
When rebuked,
he makes me a whore,
I stand there in his minds eye,
In the hotel room he booked for my braking,
Standing vulnerable and alone,
In a forever alternating state,

Powerful, there to be broken,
Engaged to another man, lover, whore
Dressed and there for the taking,
Victim of my boyfriend’s jealousy?
(one of the many rumours he spread).

Followed over 100s of miles,
Asking if I am married yet?
I never know where he will turn up next,
Band from tango places, he waits outside,
When no one is watching, he finds me,
Cleverly making me feel stupid and small,
Taking pieces of me like ripped defences
I am left vulnerable and raw

Stronger, broader and taller
He scares me

The tanguera in me tells him it will never happen and leaves the room in disgust.

While introverted me is left to deal with feeling scared deeply, constant tense worry for my own safety when I leave the house by myself. I am changed and humbled, A letter to me (and all those who have shared a similar story, these things so often go unsaid