Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Keep the love flowing

Its been a short time since i have been single again, and it in many ways this should have have happened much sooner. But everything is easier in hindsight. The relationship was beautiful while we were working together keeping the magic alive, but due to things i feel we weren't able to deal with, this time was actually quite quickly replaced by hanging onto something. Something that was indeed beautiful, meaningful and worth nurturing. And somehow we together weren't knowledgeable enough about how to do this, not in agreement about how to move beyond this. But for me now i talk for myself.

In an almost 10 year relationship starting from the moment we met to the moment i found my whole future had changed with my loves wishes, to the moment he set me free and me leaving. i loved deeply and lost myself. Partly due to my own chameleon like nature searching for harmony, and partly due to the fact i was so young when making this commitment to a man who was older and naturally more set in his ways. We met on a level of communication that suited us, but as i developed over the years i got more and more frustrated by not being able to share things and feeling like there were things happening between us that would take months and months to talk about and even shed one word. It improved slowly but we grew apart in what we wanted. Due to live changing changes not being communicated i was very slow in realising that what i wanted and had thought to be possible with this man indeed wasn't. And sadly most of these things had developed because of our first years together and the beautiful strong feeling that was developed. The last 3 years were spent in a sort of limbo between being happy and being scared of losing all that i had worked hard for in my home. Home being the new country i had moved to, the change in my way of working, the dreams that we had once shared of a home and family, stopping with a dance partner i really miss, learning dutch tax law of all things to run a business. I changed my life for love and when it left me i was suddenly free of working hard for a life i had loved but now didn't fit me any longer. The relationship being thoroughly mourned by the upheaval of being pushed away and pulled in again time after time.

I surprised myself that while i was deeply sad underneath i was ready to move on in 2 or 3 weeks. Getting out there again, not holding myself back to be with someone who was in the end very different, very loveable but hard work to connect with. After some weeks of experimenting, dating, catching up with old possibles and questioning myself constantly in what i wanted. i have moved into a new phase. i hadn't realised that the underlying thing i have been afraid of was being left, in many ways by many people i have been left all my life and its been a big dissapointment. i learned to cut off, to not show myself which wasn't very healthy and i pushed myself more than ever to overcome this with my ex man. i don't tell this because i feel sorry for myself but to explain the context. i process things super quickly and last week i reallised my fear, and also that its unfair to expect people to stay forever. This weekend i took some time for myself and let these ideas process. i am still scared to love, and still scared of people leaving but decided to embrace the people around me anyway and keep the love flowing.

Forever thankful to the friends who have grown in the last months, the beautiful men i have met and got to know and the things life is bringing into my world now that i am open to it.