Showing posts with label amor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label amor. Show all posts

Sunday, 28 August 2016

Art work and creativity by Isolde Kanikani

 Art has always played a huge part in my life. Whether it be with painting, dancing making music or helping others to make art, its always been there. Taking many forms like modeling for photographers and model shoots. Sometimes these get shown and sometimes remain something hidden or become part of a paid for portfolio by some business or artist or other. Most of all art has been a way of relaxing, expressing present situations and exploring myself in process. The end result being secondary. Now i am finding some of the pictures that have moved me and i am left wondering what to do with this part of my world.













Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Keep the love flowing

Its been a short time since i have been single again, and it in many ways this should have have happened much sooner. But everything is easier in hindsight. The relationship was beautiful while we were working together keeping the magic alive, but due to things i feel we weren't able to deal with, this time was actually quite quickly replaced by hanging onto something. Something that was indeed beautiful, meaningful and worth nurturing. And somehow we together weren't knowledgeable enough about how to do this, not in agreement about how to move beyond this. But for me now i talk for myself.

In an almost 10 year relationship starting from the moment we met to the moment i found my whole future had changed with my loves wishes, to the moment he set me free and me leaving. i loved deeply and lost myself. Partly due to my own chameleon like nature searching for harmony, and partly due to the fact i was so young when making this commitment to a man who was older and naturally more set in his ways. We met on a level of communication that suited us, but as i developed over the years i got more and more frustrated by not being able to share things and feeling like there were things happening between us that would take months and months to talk about and even shed one word. It improved slowly but we grew apart in what we wanted. Due to live changing changes not being communicated i was very slow in realising that what i wanted and had thought to be possible with this man indeed wasn't. And sadly most of these things had developed because of our first years together and the beautiful strong feeling that was developed. The last 3 years were spent in a sort of limbo between being happy and being scared of losing all that i had worked hard for in my home. Home being the new country i had moved to, the change in my way of working, the dreams that we had once shared of a home and family, stopping with a dance partner i really miss, learning dutch tax law of all things to run a business. I changed my life for love and when it left me i was suddenly free of working hard for a life i had loved but now didn't fit me any longer. The relationship being thoroughly mourned by the upheaval of being pushed away and pulled in again time after time.

I surprised myself that while i was deeply sad underneath i was ready to move on in 2 or 3 weeks. Getting out there again, not holding myself back to be with someone who was in the end very different, very loveable but hard work to connect with. After some weeks of experimenting, dating, catching up with old possibles and questioning myself constantly in what i wanted. i have moved into a new phase. i hadn't realised that the underlying thing i have been afraid of was being left, in many ways by many people i have been left all my life and its been a big dissapointment. i learned to cut off, to not show myself which wasn't very healthy and i pushed myself more than ever to overcome this with my ex man. i don't tell this because i feel sorry for myself but to explain the context. i process things super quickly and last week i reallised my fear, and also that its unfair to expect people to stay forever. This weekend i took some time for myself and let these ideas process. i am still scared to love, and still scared of people leaving but decided to embrace the people around me anyway and keep the love flowing.

Forever thankful to the friends who have grown in the last months, the beautiful men i have met and got to know and the things life is bringing into my world now that i am open to it.




Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Valhalla that is my heart where loved ones reside



These last months of situations and last years of in one sense losses in my life have lead to a somewhat sound sense of what death means to me. Be it the little death or a shedding of skins that leads to new possibilities of horizons, le petit morte which is definitely not as bad as it sounds, the death of body of loved ones and even my own mortality. Death can be both beautiful and positive as it can be upsetting causing deep emotions of grief  and loneliness. So a half poem half text dedicated to all these myriad moments where one reality it shedded and let go for a new one.

Hiding from feeling anything
And yet not hiding at all
am i in shock or denial,
Intense pain or exuberant freedom
that is intoxicating every cell of my body.
Shedding the skins of bounderies and hurts past
for a radiant glistening skin

i am human, i am myself again
i am feeling and analytical and living
I am my loves and i am my friends
I am all that is my family
There is no we anymore, no second heart to care for
Only my own, which seems to be a busy place
I miss your heart and realize i am surrounded by them

Valhalla that is my heart where loved ones reside,
by choosing to feel intensely i open myself to love
and pain in equal measure,
Not to love is no life at all
Valhalla of my heart where you reside
Grandpas, grandmas, my beloved uncle, 
father, mother, brother and cousins

Valhalla that is my heart with open doors to another world
of acceptance and love, closeness, longing and desire.
Existing and believing we are worth our deepest most profound dreams
Thankful to the man who showed me love exists,
and to another who showed me what is could become,
to the others who have touched my soul with your grace
others who brought pain so bad as to make me renew myself.

Valhalla that is my hurt hurting with continual expansion,
yet feeling at peace with its new metamorphosed existance,
Friends who are like stable rocks, new ones like family you never had.
Old ones who have become brothers and sisters
and a cousin who for eternity will be a mix of these all.
People keep you company on the road fo life,
taking you down the highway  with its easy access and flow
At times down a hidden forgotten path
with obstacles that befuddle you and keep you lost
until miraculously you find the main road leading continuously
into the near or far future where i will also rest.
But for now touching every now and again the love that resides in my heart.