Showing posts with label locura. Show all posts
Showing posts with label locura. Show all posts

Saturday, 19 March 2016

Introverted, emotional or sensitive?



Introverted, emotional or sensitive is a subject that has come up in many of my conversations recently. I am not an expert on any of these but feel a constant question over emotions and how they affect me individually and others in relation to me. I have seen that to be introverted is the new cool and emotional often portrayed as something negative. Sensitive on the other hand has connotations of good but weak. Or at least this is my take on it. Alongside these 3 words a further question arises, are we all made equal? I am guessing not from the myriad of people out there with their multitude of variations where emotional intelligence is concerned.

I would say I fall under all three categories but at the same time feel strongly that these and their counterparts are simply a tool for helping us understand ourselves, rather than something that is inherently good or bad. Its Like a tool kit full of a small range of tools we are born to use. These tools have a natural purpose like a hammer for hitting things or scissors for cutting. By understanding them you can not only bang a nail into a wall but you can create a a building. For me introversion and extroversion are similar. I was strongly effected by the negative associations that people had with introversion when i was growing up. i would get asked why i am quiet or shy. i learned to hide it in favour of a set of behavior patterns that would be considered extroverted, but little did i realize that to do this took a lot more energy than the natural extroverts used. I got exhausted more quickly and had to hide alone for a while to recuperate my energy. This in term made me feel bad because i wasn't living up to the extroverted ideal. Recently i came across an article on Linked In celebrating the abilities of introverts and it started me on the journey to exploring this personality trait i seem to have and what it means for me. Further letting go of some of these patterns that in actual fact hurt me energetically and leave me drained. I am in a process of becoming more myself and showing it.

I think for myself the idea of being emotional is a matter of opinion and seems to be a lot less clear than the personality traits above. My recent discovery of a book called the highly sensitive person while slow going was intriguing for the idea that someone had put some science behind the idea of being sensitive. i would consider myself someone with deep seated emotions and until about 9 years ago never opened up to anyone. The process of sharing my inner world with others has been difficult and rewarding. But the more i share the more i realize how truly unique all are in our experiences of emotions, their intensity and complexity. Added to this is the part we give them in our lives. Some ive sway to their emotional sub world while others hardly allow them to exist.

Over sensitivity to others is also intriguing me. When i was younger i became really confused when what i sensed of others around me didn't match with what they talked about. With some they later confessed that i saw more quickly than they had what they were feeling and that they needed time to catch up, sometimes resenting me for my sensitivity. While with others, they either weren't wanting to admit to the emotions or i had got it wrong. Making the whole process very hard to learn from. Because its only in hindsight that i can ever tell what the situation was and how i can improve the perception of emotions in people around me in the future.

So in conclusion i dub myself an introvert with extrovert tendencies. Deeply and complexly emotional while being highly sensitive to those around me. The challenge for me through the years has always to avoid my chameleon tendencies of fitting in with the needs and wishes of those around me and find a firm footing for myself to be as I was meant to be. The search is still on.

 

Other articles in the Locura genre:

Consulting your inner dream dictionary

Globe trotter, without the baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage
Lonely planet, globetrotter without the baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage

Cheap tickets to an exotic destination
Cheap tickets to an exotic destination, whats your flight status?



Friday, 22 January 2016

Photography of living ice

Today I had the urge to clear up the garden ready for spring and the beauty of the almond blossom trees mixed with magnolia and the evergreen fresh green of the bamboo. When i entered the garden there were lots of plant pots and buckets laying around since the last storm. I started to turn them over to get rid of the water, with the hope of stacking them up in a tidy corner again. Only to discover beautiful ice creations falling out to the paving stone floor. The little wonder was that there were plants growing inside the safety of the ice.

Not wanting to miss this wonderful opportunity i instantly got the camera and started to play wit other things lying around in the garden. The first pictures are simply of the tine plant that was hiding in the ice. The others are a combination of crab apples, duck egg shell found half buried, moss and periwinkle flowers.

I love the cold weather for taking pictures, if you look around hard enough there is always something interesting and unusual with ice, snow or frost. Harder to get clear well lit photos through, due to overcast and grey light conditions. 


 




















Like to see more photos? Then check out the link below:

Black and white photos with a splash of colour by Gine Maie

Little acts of kindness while….




Monday, 18 January 2016

Little acts of kindness while….

Today was a glorious day of surprise snow, seizing the moment of sunshine and clear weather to embrace the new found cold and look for beautiful photographs. Putting on the warmest clothes i can find and enjoying the wild sort of photographer look i managed. Helping me to get into the mood of photographing my immediate world. Being present in the moment and enjoying not caring what the world thinks of me. Something i dwell on too often, which also results in me trying to make others as comfortable as i can manage. Only to find i can’t keep it up, and now a relief to let go of.

i am walking finding my first subject, the new park wall stroke fence i find actually quite ugly but somehow with the white snow and the brightness of the day i find there is also beauty in its shape. Next come trees, ducks and water shots with the many romantic bridges in the Maxima park. What struck me in one moment is that i get so caught up in my work that i forget to be in the moment, enjoying what is there rather than trying to continually shape and improve it. As i finished all my photos and the memory card i decided to head back to the warmth. On my way back i saw a mother with two children, trying to get one on her back. as i passed i was smiling and enjoying their fun. they couldn’t manage to do it so i helped the little girl onto her mothers back. It was so sweet to see. Not only had they made me smile but i had made them smile too, giving them a further possibility to enjoy their fun. With one little act of kindness we were all warmed from the inside, oblivious to the cold.

So i am normally not writing on a sunday but find it a wonderful opportunity to invite each of you who read this, to first become present with the space, people and lives going on around you. Second to be open to one little act of kindness and see what comes your way. Third to be open to doing a little act of kindness, that will be sure to warm you through and through.




 


 


 

 

 


  







 

 
 


Saturday, 16 January 2016

My first thrift shop adventure



A friend told me about the great finds she bought at a thrift shop a few weeks back and when i was passing one a couple of weeks ago i decided to go in and take a look. I have to admit to having a bit of a barrier about going into these places because while i like the idea of recycling and using things, i didn't think much of the quality a few years ago when i looked in a charity shop. The idea of getting rid of almost new quality things to a place that will sell them at a good price to others and make money for a good cause is great. I have supported this over many years dropping off bags of unwanted things, always finding it easier than simply throwing nice things away. Having found the quality wasn't great before i didn't bother to check out more. I have to also admit a bit of a snob in me associating these places with a feeling you must be desperate to shop there. This is more an association from school where there were always jokes about charity shops and poor people to put it nicely. But going, exploring and seeing the change in these shops was a wonderful surprise. Lovely quality items at a great price. You get a bargain and the shop gets money towards a great cause.

My favorite thing about this new experience is that i have the feeling of finding a creative treasure trove within which the artist in me comes forward. Since moving to the Netherlands i have missed some of the things that don't fit into the highly specific and stylized way of decorating houses, wearing clothes, making restaurant interiors and much more. Even the plants are designed, or this is my feeling anyway. While i love style i thing there should be space for an individual to add their own flair to the mix. For myself i love real wooden furniture, stylized pieces with a bit of wild thrown in.

This experience also made me realize that new isn't necessarily better particularly with this new fashion for fake wooden furniture and endlessly consumerist attitude with buying and getting rid of really great pretty much new things. I am also a culprit of this. With this new fashion of heightened consumerism the quality of things are going down while the price seems to be the same or higher.  have been going almost once a week to a local thrift store finding beautiful things to fuel my artistic license into playing. Not to mention the amazing piano which has given me no end of joy in these last weeks. Playing music by Ludovico Ienaudi and relearning Beethoven's Moonlight sonata late at night in my dance studio.

I strongly suggest the following people search a thrift store out (if you haven't already done so):
  • Vintage clothes lovers
  • Quality furniture searchers. Especially if you have some basic skills with sanding, varnish and painting.
  • Artist in search of... materials, paints, wool, canvas's, picture frames, odd suprise things you never thought to search for but are the finishing touch to a piece you have been searching for. 
  • Small business wanting to get basic furniture for offices and other business type setups. 
  • Interior designers and decorators who want to find interesting things to tweak a final look.
  • Book worms may get lost and come out arms full of books.
  • Mad hatters beware, find the right thrift store and there are hats galore, sorry for the rhyme couldn't resist.



With some love and care there are some beautiful additions to my home and wardrobe waiting out there, not to mention the endless amount of things to get creative with. I realised on my first visit that the quality is in many cases higher in a thrift shop than in some highstreet shops. Not to mention the beautiful things people have brought back from which ever they used to live in or visited on holiday. With a discerning eye you can cut through the things of no value and unique items you can't get anywhere else in hte place where you are living.

Just remember if you are thinking to search a thrift shop (charity shop) out, they are not all made the same. Many are great, some are not. Some have a huge choice in clothing whiles others specialize in office furniture.

Happy exploring!



Other articles that may be of interest in the style genre are:

Style tip: to hide or expose, that is the question
http://www.chicloca.com/2016/01/style-tip-to-hide-or-expose-that-is.html

Style tip: play, exchange & self empowerment
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/style-winter-fashion-accessories.html

Tokyo street fashion, inspired by Manga?
Tokyo street fashion (東京のストリートファッション), inspired Starwars and imitating Manga - See more at: http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html#sthash.I5INGx4X.dpuf
Other articles of interest in the style genre:

Other articles of interest in the style genre:

Other articles in the Travel genre:
Little black dress, all its cracked up to be
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/little-black-dress.html - See more at: http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html#sthash.I5INGx4X.dpuf

Other articles of interest in the style genre:

Other articles in the Travel genre:
Little black dress, all its cracked up to be
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/little-black-dress.html - See more at: http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html#sthash.I5INGx4X.dpuf
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html

Little black dress, all its cracked up to be:
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/little-black-dress.html

Friday, 15 January 2016

Black and white photos with a splash of colour by Gine Maie

Newest photos from photo shoot today. Some lovely photos that didn't make the cut for latest website and promotions. Thank you to Gine Maie who photographed these for me.  Getting prepared for the new elegant clothing for dancers and anyone who likes simple beautiful clothes that flatter and move.














 Check out our store with a great range of individual clothing brought to you from Isolde's journeys. With a new collection of handmade items coming soon, Cielita store is a great place to check out.


Other articles that may be of interest in the style genre are:

Style tip: play, exchange & self empowerment
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/style-winter-fashion-accessories.html

Tokyo street fashion, inspired by Manga?
Tokyo street fashion (東京のストリートファッション), inspired Starwars and imitating Manga - See more at: http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html#sthash.I5INGx4X.dpuf
Other articles of interest in the style genre:

Other articles of interest in the style genre:

Other articles in the Travel genre:
Little black dress, all its cracked up to be
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/little-black-dress.html - See more at: http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html#sthash.I5INGx4X.dpuf

Other articles of interest in the style genre:

Other articles in the Travel genre:
Little black dress, all its cracked up to be
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/little-black-dress.html - See more at: http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html#sthash.I5INGx4X.dpuf
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html

Little black dress, all its cracked up to be:
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/little-black-dress.html

Monday, 11 January 2016

Great quote i live by

What is the difference between femininity and feminism. Whats your take?


 


This has been a subject that comes up time and time again both in conversation and with myself. Interestingly its also associated with my traveling and staying for longer time in different cultures where femininity means something different for the natives than other places i have visited. Often when we are at  meal with friends chilling out after a gorgeous meal. Feminism has had a huge impact on some cultures while leaving others in the dark. Some cultures went so far with certain aspects of the charge to only alienate men into a place of not knowing how to relate to the women in their lives. While i am truly thankful for the freedoms the feminist movement made for women, i mourn the impact its had on a large number of men who have been left emasculated.

Femininity is often associated with feminism. Someone close to me was strongly feminist when i was growing up, sharing firm beliefs about the differences between men and women. After a while i needed to protect myself as i could see that to not do so would result in me as a young child taking on too many of these ideas. Partly because they seemed to be more about the individual tellers insecurities and history, and partly i suspected men weren't that terrible and women were just as bad. On top of this though i felt for myself that feminism was more focused on the differences between men and women and often putting a bad light on men, and less concerned with the strength of women. Maybe feminism went too far in some areas, creating a new generation of emasculated men and i feel its really important to thank of those women who created many of the freedoms i enjoy today. But are the women of today really making the most of it?

Feminism has also set up this polarity between men and women, maybe its a reaction to a polarity already existing from earlier times. This movement somehow creating a need that woman are equal to men and therefore need to act like men in order to get further in this world. This polarizing meant that there is some underground internal fight that keeps us continually wondering if we are man enough, or women enough and nowadays not really knowing what we are fighting about.  While we are all vying for the same space of being equal in success and doing this in a perceivably masculine manner, there isn't enough space for everyone to reach this goal. Women aren't playing to their strengths and only enforcing the idea of a mans world.

So again I ask, what is femininity? My take on this is playing to the strengths of my personality and body. I don't think men and women are so different in our basic needs and we can all do a little learning where being true to ourselves is concerned. But there is a big difference in our bodies and its something to not be ashamed of. I openly admit i am not as strong as a man in lifting boxes or pushing broken down cars. I have more energy and endurance than most men i have met. Women are more flexible than men on average and better able to maintain physical endurance than many men. There are many differences than physiological ones and some people go as far as to say that women are more socially able due to the extra x chromosome they have. Mixing my bodies unique capabilities with my personality its an able cocktail of ingredients but it this alone feminine? I feel that there is something extra and it could be that femininity is the mark society leaves on us as girls growing up and is a bit dated. I feel surely that its about empowering myself by harnessing the power i have as a women to get things done and this includes bringing elegance into my life. Being aware of my body language and what this means to others, using it to my advantage in business and help me in social situations. When i am feminine i am intelligent, social, elegant, enticing and playful like a child

In the end we each have to decide what this means to us and how we wish to embody it. Its an intriguing subject to introduce here. For the men too, what does it mean to be a man in this world. If any of you guys out there would like to write an article on this i would love to post here. This is a start and i hope to revisit this topic soon and in more depth.

Check out our various options to follow more articles like this. Including articles on travel, style and dance.

Some great blogs i read before writing this article: http://running.competitor.com, http://thoughtcatalog.com, http://www.wired.co.uk


Other articles in the Locura genre:

Consulting your inner dream dictionary

Globe trotter, without the baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage
Lonely planet, globetrotter without the baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage

Cheap tickets to an exotic destination
Cheap tickets to an exotic destination, whats your flight status?

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Paulo Coelho quote for the new year


 

Just reading The Winner stands alone by Paulo Coelho and came across these lines yesterday. While searching for a completely unrelated thing just now i came across the quote again. A little ray of wisdom for the new year.

I highly recommend this author if you haven't already found him.


Another envoking quote is:

Beautiful quote by JeannetteWinterson  

 

Sunday, 3 January 2016

Latest Photo shoot, images of a dancer...new black dress






New black dress design, trying it out with favourite dance shoes and some other colour accents in jewellery and makeup. Check out this dress and more at Cielita Loca store.


Other articles that may be of interest in the style genre are:

Tokyo street fashion, inspired by Manga?
Tokyo street fashion (東京のストリートファッション), inspired Starwars and imitating Manga - See more at: http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html#sthash.I5INGx4X.dpuf
Other articles of interest in the style genre:

Other articles of interest in the style genre:

Other articles in the Travel genre:
Little black dress, all its cracked up to be
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/little-black-dress.html - See more at: http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html#sthash.I5INGx4X.dpuf

Other articles of interest in the style genre:

Other articles in the Travel genre:
Little black dress, all its cracked up to be
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/little-black-dress.html - See more at: http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html#sthash.I5INGx4X.dpuf
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/tokyo-street-fashion-inspired-starwars.html

Little black dress, all its cracked up to be:
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/little-black-dress.html





Friday, 1 January 2016

Consulting your inner dream dictionary

 

Consulting your inner dream dictionary... no new years resolution list here!

Instead of setting new years resolutions which implies one will surely deliver on a list of things that might or might not be possible. Confining you to the many possible limitations while fulfilling, or simply the feeling of failure if not delivering said item on said list. Open for some suggestions?

 

Tips 1: turn resolutions into aspirations (this tip was given to me by an old friend)


Try out the power of aspirations, aspiring to reach a goal has a very different feel to resolutions and gives room for movement. After all the idea of new years resolutions are to improve oneself or to reach new possibilities. A pattern of setting a list of things we can't actually deliver sets up a self confirming failure pattern. Why do it to yourself? Step out of the cycle and live for the moment, consult your own personal dream dictionary for things that give you energy when aspiring to do them. Enjoy this new found motivation and see where it takes you. Often the journey is richer than the original goal and with any good journey the destination will change anyway suiting your new situation. 

Tip 2: Do away with the inner task list


We clutter our lives and our thoughts with so many must do's and have to's, the wishes of others and the expectations we perceive to be laid upon us. What happens if you step away from the inner task list and search for an activity that enables you to simply get in touch with yourself. As I write this one I know I am suspect of not doing this too. One of the hardest most beautiful things is to live with ourselves as we are and with who we are. When we harshly judge ourselves we step into a pattern of judging others too. When doing this we open up the space for others analysis in return, that becomes still more baggage we place on our internal task list. Stopping the cycle of judgements can help stop yet more incoming tasks but a great secondary result is others around us can feel more peacefulness too. In effect you are de-cluttering your inner space helping stress levels, stepping out of patterns that can hurt you and others and hopefully giving space enough to get in touch with yourself.

 

Tip 3:  Dream dictionary and holding onto dead wood


In this article I am referring to the term dream dictionary, using it as a reference to the innermost wishes, desires and aspirations we have. Sometimes we tell these to the world and sometimes they lay hidden. Some will be easily fulfilled and others may simply be left to one side or vanish when not needed anymore. Maybe you already found your dream girl or dream house. What is lying within the pages of your dream dictionary?

If i show you a few of mine will you show me yours? Any dreams or aspirations you might have and are willing to share can be added to the comment section of this article and would be appreciated.

So some of mine in simple list form (some have are here or already realized and they are in no particular order):
  • to experience a deep love and trust of another human being.
  • to remain in touch with myself and the nature that surrounds me.
  • to learn new things, seek new adventures, continually discovering and exploring.
  • to share love and intimacy with a loved one, a child, pets and caring community creating a feeling of family. It comes from being comfortable with loneliness but choosing to search for more.
The great thing about getting in touch with your aspirations is that clarity bout the dead wood you are carrying in your life also surfaces. This new found awareness and space gives you insight into the things you are holding onto, or pulling away energy. If they aren't in your dream dictionary or working towards something there, then its probably good to let go. Don't do this because this article says so, check it in yourself and make the decision if its the right one. You have to live with the choice. 

Admitting I am terrible at this process myself, moving from natural collector to hoarder. Then at some moment being fed up with stuff that clogs up my living space, physical and metaphysical. I move to organizer and more minimalist. I found it was a huge weight off my shoulders when getting rid of resolutions for new years or otherwise. Finding a do now or let go approach works better for me. Not judging myself is an ongoing learning process, with a perfectionist tendencies relating to work and creative projects its hard to not let this impede on my personal conversation with myself. Many more tips could have been included, in the hope to avoid overload and delve into the simple idea of of touching base with yourself I left these out. 

Enjoyed this article? It would be lovely to hear an aspiration, point out of your dream diary and anything else you would like to share.


Other articles in the Locura genre:

Lonely planet, globetrotter without the baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage

Cheap tickets to an exotic destination, whats your flight status?

Thursday, 24 December 2015

Word meanings from yesterday



Yesterday i wrote a brief list of words promising to post their meanings today, did you know all of the word meanings already. Some where very new to me until yesterday.

Word list:
1. Lambkin   (shakespeare) 
meaning: sweet little thing, if lamb wasn't diminutive enough the kin on the end makes it smaller and sweeter. 

2. agastopia 
 meaning - its the admiration of a particular body part.
3. kakorrhaphiophobia
meaning - its the fear of failure.

4. oxter
meaning - an old name for the armpit
5. winklepicker
meaning - sounds dirty but actually refers to a 1950s fashion where men would wear pointy shoes.

6. Machiavellianism 
meaning - refers to a belief that politics is amoral an any of way of getting political power is acceptable
 
7. Prestidigitation 
meaning -  sleight of hand

8. Plenipotentiary  
meaning - a person, invested with full power or authority to transact business on behalf of another.
 
9. Quattuordecillion
meaning - a cardinal number represented in the U.S. by 1 followed by 45 zeros, and in Great Britain by 1 followed by 84 zeros.

Liked this post, then check out the post relating to this:
Spelling-english-words-dictionary-translation-thesaurus.html


Other articles of interest in the style genre:

Other articles in the Travel genre:
Spelling English words, dictionary or thesaurus needed pronto:
http://www.chicloca.com/2015/12/spelling-english-words-dictionary-translation-thesaurus.html

Reference - thanks to online dictionary for help with translations, dictionary.reference.com 

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Spelling English words, dictionary or thesaurus needed pronto

A day of words...

So this morning I am updating and writing new text for my website and come across many tiny red lines under some words telling me my spelling is wrong. I would swear my spellings not that bad, pretty good in fact. But still the little red dotted lines are on my page. I doubt myself and get my old friend the oxford English dictionary, the last thing I want is avoidable bad spelling. Checking each word one by one, none of them are spelt incorrectly.  Is a dictionary or translator needed? I realized I was writing in the queens English while the spellings desired by my program wanted American English versions. Phew, I am not going crazy, but this opens up a whole new world. To the word freaks out there who simply love words. Knowing that there were differences as a theory is totally different to the confusion created when you have a mix of systems, especially when there is not enough awareness of it. Suspecting that there are many people out there who are mixing up these spellings, its a ncie thing to bring to this blog. I am also fascinated to check how I spell many words in English and suspect some American versions have crept in.

Should we protect the beauty of the difference or go for communicating which might be considered the original purpose for writing in the first place. Just for clarity I have nothing against American English, I simply grew up in the UK and the Oxford English dictionary has been the book I most cherished over the years along with a thesaurus and my word translation dictionary for spanish and now dutch.

Later today i came across some blogs with truly cool words  and one who was quoting some of Shakespeare's finest creations, see below for a list. Can you word out their meanings? Tomorrow I will post the meanings.

Word list:

1. Lambkin   (shakespeare)
2. agastopia 
3. kakorrhaphiophobia
4. oxter
5. winklepicker
6. Machiavellianism 
7. Prestidigitation 
8. Plenipotentiary  
9. Quattuordecillion

10.  suggest a word to add to the list in the comments part.


 




 

Monday, 21 December 2015

Haiku by Isolde Kanikani

These haiku are a small collection written at different times. i hope you enjoy.



Coldness of body

Brings clear thinking about life

Warmth makes us lazy


We possess a lot

Cherish far less than we own

Savour more with less



Music moves spirit

Notes exfoliate on ears

Like exhaled breath on skin



Body shivers now

With intoxication of scent

So vividly felt


Milonga sadness

Compellingly haunting me

To deep essence core

 

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

'a stalkers psychosis'

 'a stalkers psychosis'
30/12/13

Hi everyone, recently i realised that the experienced i had a few years ago was still troubling me. Not in a big obvious way but something of the feeling of being scared, powerless and hurt has gone deeper than i could have ever imagined. one of my new years resolutions is to engage with these effects and work through them. This thought prompted me to write a letter to myself about the experience. i needed to engage with it again to feel what had been felt. in this day and age we are so busy and too able to make everything alright. it wasn't alright so smoothing it over has somehow allowed it to do more damage than staring it in the face and simply dealing. i am posting it on the blog because a friend of mine read my letter after finding it on the table and made a short film using the words i wrote (first draft so to speak). Gine Maie wanted to offer a place for anyone who has had similar experiences to share and comment so feel free to add comments below or write to me personally if oyu would like to add a blog post here yourself. warm wishes and i hope you have a happy new year isolde

 ‘a stalkers psychosis’

I look into the mirror,
Seeing my own serene reflection,
But the depths of my eyes betray me,
Showing that all is not calm,
I have come so close to danger,
Tension created by his predetorial touch,

He pimps me with his eyes,
As I take off my coat and gloves,
In his psychosis my every move is for him,
He see’s a tanguera,
personal me isn’t in sight,

He checks me out,
I am unavailable,
He checks again and again,
I have to play host and teacher
But I should have told him to leave.

Letters of unrequited love,
When rebuked,
he makes me a whore,
I stand there in his minds eye,
In the hotel room he booked for my braking,
Standing vulnerable and alone,
In a forever alternating state,

Powerful, there to be broken,
Engaged to another man, lover, whore
Dressed and there for the taking,
Victim of my boyfriend’s jealousy?
(one of the many rumours he spread).

Followed over 100s of miles,
Asking if I am married yet?
I never know where he will turn up next,
Band from tango places, he waits outside,
When no one is watching, he finds me,
Cleverly making me feel stupid and small,
Taking pieces of me like ripped defences
I am left vulnerable and raw

Stronger, broader and taller
He scares me

The tanguera in me tells him it will never happen and leaves the room in disgust.

While introverted me is left to deal with feeling scared deeply, constant tense worry for my own safety when I leave the house by myself. I am changed and humbled, A letter to me (and all those who have shared a similar story, these things so often go unsaid

Engagement ring

10/11/11

About 8 months ago i bought myself a ring, it was something for me and to wear as something for me myself in that moment. i have always loved moon stone. so moon stone it became. womanly, magical, good for energy and circulation, my birthstone along with opal. Something so innocent and unexpecting has become so much. In different ways, situations, in life!
i associate the ring with safety from my stalker, it seemed a barrier to him and yet i never know when he will turn up. Phone calls have started again in a time i thought that just maybe he might has gone. he is back! i feel unsafe when i go to england so the ring comes whenever i travel there. but i am starting to feel trapped by this and feel i need to not react of this man who has such a profound ability to scare me. But he makes me strong because i realise how strong i am. i am not free from danger but i am strong.
the ring is also a clear sign that my heart is occupied. there is a great love in my life, such that i haven't been ready to experience until now. life is such a strange journey.In the way it prepares us for new challenges and surprises us with what is so unimaginably beautiful, that we don't imagine it.
i think to be asked to wear a engagement ring would be a big honour and moment in my life to remember. funny to own this now as i have never imagined to be engaged or to be chained to someone as i used to see it. to say to the law that you will be together when actually it should be enough to say this to each other. but a part of me wants to know that i am wanted and that i can want them in return so strongly as to say yes. to say i am totally in love with you and from this an attachment to build more love and deeper connection on. to love you, desire and want you, accept you for the beautiful person you are while we work together in creating a life we can both be fulfilled by. if he asked me i would say yes. once this had a meaning of freedom and now a wish.
the ring is still on my finger as i go to england. What does it mean and how has this changed? i am afraid, i am in love, i want to signify something and be significant. i want to love my beautiful man and bring fulfillment ot our lives, forgetting this stranger that imposes himself on something that is beautiful and changes my life.


Beautiful quote by Jeanette Winterson

A beautiful quote that gave me a sense of freedom in myself

'When you ask me why i cannot love you more calmly, i answer that to love you more calmly is not to love you at all.' Jeanette winterson


Airport Crowds

12/10/11

I find it always amazing to see how people are moving. Walking down the street, between chairs in a cafe, going to sit down standing up. To also notice how inefficiently we move and how we have  grown accustomed to these habits. As a child we are flexible and have little strength i n our bodies. From this time we are formed by a series of habits, be it a toy we liked to play with, riding a bike, playing with a ball, or biting the soft toy bunny rabbit ear. no i didn't do that but i was madly in love with a tricycle that my grandfather gave me. But the point is we learn these habits from an early age, but they aren't necessarily good for the way our body was designed to move.
its interesting to see what we percieve as normal movement. i am sitting in a cafe having a coffee in schiphol, Amsterdam airport. Before i sat down i saw a gorup of people who were wearing red tracksuits and assumed they were a sports time. Then i Saw that they had Russia on their uniforms. This confirms in your mind that they must be athletes.
Then the whole group got up to go to their flight. Everyone didn't look twice at this group who as a group became normal. They were hugely disabled in movement, 8 or so had a definite limp and chronic stiffness in their body, others had crutches, 2 were in a wheel chair. But they out numbered those who don't think twice about a none limp impaired movement. So they became normal. Groups have an amazing power on the individual. Sometimes hugely positive giving more confidence, a feeling of beloging amongst other things. Sometimes not. In this case it was beautiful to see.
i find it always really amazing to see how people are moving

Forever friend cutest cat i ever knew



24/6/08

Sometimes I think its so rare to truly love and be loved by another person. somehow all the complexities of life interfere with the simple act of loving someone or something. we get too caught up in what it means if we love someone, what we want need or fear from loving and how should be go about doing this in the right way. also in the fantasizing about how it should be if we really fall in love. i am very slowly learning there isn't a right way, but getting my brain to take this on in a practical way is totally different to understanding it intellectually.

but when it comes to animals we humans (especially the English it seems), have a huge affinity for love with no complications. so i right of the animal that showed me unquestioning love. she had many roles in my life when i was growing up sister, mother, friend, tiger, little monster and Rose the cat that loves me. it may sound strange but i think she shaped the way i relate to people both in physical contact and in the way i love someone.



The reason i write about love and this Rose is that she passed away on the 20th June 2008. she lived to the age of nearly 20, accompanying me through life from when i was 4 years old. we grew together, loved together, she had fun with tom cats and we looked after her babies, together.

we used to play this game where she would run off into the house and scatter up to the top of one of the doors, i would chase after her and have to shake each door in turn to make sure she wasn't there. when she was she would jump down and run to the next. in the beginning it was usually because i was trying to catch and put her outside for a while, but eventually it became a game we both enjoyed.


When she was about 8 months old she started to have many kittens. The first ones died as she wasn't really aware of how to look after them. I learned so much about life and death and suffering from these kittens. but also about the joys of the world. In the beginning we had to feed the kittens with cows milk through little pipets from medicine bottles. They died anyway but it was the trying that mattered, and of course the fact that Rose slowly got the idea that it wasn't enough to get frisky with Tom cats but if she wanted the kittens to live she would have to feed them. she became a very good mother. we ended up keeping 5 of her babies at various times (Bryer, Merlin, Simba, jasper better known as 'little boy' and daisy). as she got older some of the kittens were being born malformed. i was helping her with one litter when I was about 12 years old. there was one baby born with no skin and some of its limbs were missing, but amazingly it lived. i steeled myself, took the kitten outside where there was a big flat rock and I crushed it with another. I was shaking so badly afterwards but it was the right thing to do. it was in such pain and was making these horrible noises. i had to help it. this was the best i could do. she had approximately 70 kittens over all and she filled many peoples lives with the love that only animals can give to humans. in some ways later on she was also a typical Italian big mama, with her boys who sorted her territory in Penzance and then she was retired to Devon where she was loved a lot by my father or Da.

It was only in her last years that i was away from her a lot (and my father or Da loved her and was loved in return). i have many tears, but know she had a good life. its difficult to think that she died on the day that i really let go of living in the UK. i think somehow she knew this was the time within which everything was changing. She was and will always be deep in my heart, my little tiger, My Rose.


'Storm Walker' poem written in Buenos aires Argentina

 

A little of Buenos Aires

She walks the storm
Enclosed by skies fallen, no! falling tears around
Greetings from a friend
Reaching through skin to bone

Now she may cry
For the storm will cover her tears
As long as she smiles
No passing stranger will see her wants and fears.

I walk stricken streets
Through the deluge of storm
Here I can cry
As my tears will go disguised
As long as I smile
No one will know the sadness that fills me
But in reality one has only to look into my eyes to see what is truly within.

But I am changed by storm as it enters into me
I am laughing as I walk these soaked streets
While others run and hide, and watching me precariously
My eyes twinkle reflecting humour of the lightning lit sky

Who is this stranger who carries this drenched laughter
Like a child she stamps her feet
knowing well that each step means more water
I smile back at her, for she has touched me to my core
I see sadness in her eyes, and spirit in her heart
This beautiful entity, walking freely
taken by tempest, to some remote land

she is storm walker…but is surely of this land………………..