Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Saturday, 17 March 2018

Tango Stories: (1) Rooftop in Buenos Aires

This is the first of our stories collected from our original post asking for submissions two years ago. These were made into a book that sold out within a month and wasn't reprinted to keep the project special and unique. After all it wasn't about the money out about making a final creation that could be shared amongst those submitting stories and their families.




Rooftop in Buenos Aires


There were many things that lead to this moment standing with what i could only describe as my first love. I had girl crushes and the idea of loving many times before but not the all consuming feeling of wishing to know someone, wanting to be in contact and sharing more of myself than i ever had done before.

I went to a tango salon with my dancing partner in Canning, a great traditional salon for dancing. My dance partner wanted to dance  with some of the most experienced dancers in the room but because he wasn't known there found that they turned him down more often than danced. While he was not really in the mood for dancing i soon found the eyes and cabaceo of a man sitting two tables over from us. We danced a tanda (4 songs) and then sat down again at our own tables. i found the first dances challenging and not so comfortable. So it sort of surprised me that i said yes again a little later on. In the end we danced 4 tandas which is quite something seeing that my dance partner pretty much sat throughout and more than one tanda in a evening tends to imply a closer relation or leading that way.

We exchanged numbers and emails. Leaving the milonga with my dance partner i found a cheeky email waiting for me when i got home in the early hours of the night. He invited me to come to a milonga the next evening and meet him. So this time going alone i found myself dancing the whole evening. This guy introduced me to various people at the salon and we tried our very bad English and Spanish on each other. He got me to try an empanada for the first time and introduced them as some of his favourite food. He asked more about me and also if i would be interested to practice with him. i was in Buenos Aires to learn and so i thought why not. i invited him to the tango house where i was staying which also conveniently has a dance floor that can be used.

We met and practiced for 3 hours solid, he drilled me at every turn and i had the feeling afterwards of not being able to dance anymore. in the end he saw this and i think felt a bit bad about it. It was a really hot evening so we went up onto the big open roof that overlooked the skyline of Buenos Aires and gave hints of the neighboring buildings in Barrio Boedo. We sat there for hours sharing stories. He realized i could lead and asked me to lead him. We danced on the rooftop and the lesson continued. Then in one moment he showed how it was to lead a specific movement, then taking one hand and placing it on my waist. Another hand going to my face where he brushed away a piece of hair blown by the hot breeze. He must have seen my softly wild look at these gestures and returned his own, eclipsed only by the kiss that followed.

Anonymous Author, 2016

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Keep the love flowing

Its been a short time since i have been single again, and it in many ways this should have have happened much sooner. But everything is easier in hindsight. The relationship was beautiful while we were working together keeping the magic alive, but due to things i feel we weren't able to deal with, this time was actually quite quickly replaced by hanging onto something. Something that was indeed beautiful, meaningful and worth nurturing. And somehow we together weren't knowledgeable enough about how to do this, not in agreement about how to move beyond this. But for me now i talk for myself.

In an almost 10 year relationship starting from the moment we met to the moment i found my whole future had changed with my loves wishes, to the moment he set me free and me leaving. i loved deeply and lost myself. Partly due to my own chameleon like nature searching for harmony, and partly due to the fact i was so young when making this commitment to a man who was older and naturally more set in his ways. We met on a level of communication that suited us, but as i developed over the years i got more and more frustrated by not being able to share things and feeling like there were things happening between us that would take months and months to talk about and even shed one word. It improved slowly but we grew apart in what we wanted. Due to live changing changes not being communicated i was very slow in realising that what i wanted and had thought to be possible with this man indeed wasn't. And sadly most of these things had developed because of our first years together and the beautiful strong feeling that was developed. The last 3 years were spent in a sort of limbo between being happy and being scared of losing all that i had worked hard for in my home. Home being the new country i had moved to, the change in my way of working, the dreams that we had once shared of a home and family, stopping with a dance partner i really miss, learning dutch tax law of all things to run a business. I changed my life for love and when it left me i was suddenly free of working hard for a life i had loved but now didn't fit me any longer. The relationship being thoroughly mourned by the upheaval of being pushed away and pulled in again time after time.

I surprised myself that while i was deeply sad underneath i was ready to move on in 2 or 3 weeks. Getting out there again, not holding myself back to be with someone who was in the end very different, very loveable but hard work to connect with. After some weeks of experimenting, dating, catching up with old possibles and questioning myself constantly in what i wanted. i have moved into a new phase. i hadn't realised that the underlying thing i have been afraid of was being left, in many ways by many people i have been left all my life and its been a big dissapointment. i learned to cut off, to not show myself which wasn't very healthy and i pushed myself more than ever to overcome this with my ex man. i don't tell this because i feel sorry for myself but to explain the context. i process things super quickly and last week i reallised my fear, and also that its unfair to expect people to stay forever. This weekend i took some time for myself and let these ideas process. i am still scared to love, and still scared of people leaving but decided to embrace the people around me anyway and keep the love flowing.

Forever thankful to the friends who have grown in the last months, the beautiful men i have met and got to know and the things life is bringing into my world now that i am open to it.




Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Valhalla that is my heart where loved ones reside



These last months of situations and last years of in one sense losses in my life have lead to a somewhat sound sense of what death means to me. Be it the little death or a shedding of skins that leads to new possibilities of horizons, le petit morte which is definitely not as bad as it sounds, the death of body of loved ones and even my own mortality. Death can be both beautiful and positive as it can be upsetting causing deep emotions of grief  and loneliness. So a half poem half text dedicated to all these myriad moments where one reality it shedded and let go for a new one.

Hiding from feeling anything
And yet not hiding at all
am i in shock or denial,
Intense pain or exuberant freedom
that is intoxicating every cell of my body.
Shedding the skins of bounderies and hurts past
for a radiant glistening skin

i am human, i am myself again
i am feeling and analytical and living
I am my loves and i am my friends
I am all that is my family
There is no we anymore, no second heart to care for
Only my own, which seems to be a busy place
I miss your heart and realize i am surrounded by them

Valhalla that is my heart where loved ones reside,
by choosing to feel intensely i open myself to love
and pain in equal measure,
Not to love is no life at all
Valhalla of my heart where you reside
Grandpas, grandmas, my beloved uncle, 
father, mother, brother and cousins

Valhalla that is my heart with open doors to another world
of acceptance and love, closeness, longing and desire.
Existing and believing we are worth our deepest most profound dreams
Thankful to the man who showed me love exists,
and to another who showed me what is could become,
to the others who have touched my soul with your grace
others who brought pain so bad as to make me renew myself.

Valhalla that is my hurt hurting with continual expansion,
yet feeling at peace with its new metamorphosed existance,
Friends who are like stable rocks, new ones like family you never had.
Old ones who have become brothers and sisters
and a cousin who for eternity will be a mix of these all.
People keep you company on the road fo life,
taking you down the highway  with its easy access and flow
At times down a hidden forgotten path
with obstacles that befuddle you and keep you lost
until miraculously you find the main road leading continuously
into the near or far future where i will also rest.
But for now touching every now and again the love that resides in my heart.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Engagement ring

10/11/11

About 8 months ago i bought myself a ring, it was something for me and to wear as something for me myself in that moment. i have always loved moon stone. so moon stone it became. womanly, magical, good for energy and circulation, my birthstone along with opal. Something so innocent and unexpecting has become so much. In different ways, situations, in life!
i associate the ring with safety from my stalker, it seemed a barrier to him and yet i never know when he will turn up. Phone calls have started again in a time i thought that just maybe he might has gone. he is back! i feel unsafe when i go to england so the ring comes whenever i travel there. but i am starting to feel trapped by this and feel i need to not react of this man who has such a profound ability to scare me. But he makes me strong because i realise how strong i am. i am not free from danger but i am strong.
the ring is also a clear sign that my heart is occupied. there is a great love in my life, such that i haven't been ready to experience until now. life is such a strange journey.In the way it prepares us for new challenges and surprises us with what is so unimaginably beautiful, that we don't imagine it.
i think to be asked to wear a engagement ring would be a big honour and moment in my life to remember. funny to own this now as i have never imagined to be engaged or to be chained to someone as i used to see it. to say to the law that you will be together when actually it should be enough to say this to each other. but a part of me wants to know that i am wanted and that i can want them in return so strongly as to say yes. to say i am totally in love with you and from this an attachment to build more love and deeper connection on. to love you, desire and want you, accept you for the beautiful person you are while we work together in creating a life we can both be fulfilled by. if he asked me i would say yes. once this had a meaning of freedom and now a wish.
the ring is still on my finger as i go to england. What does it mean and how has this changed? i am afraid, i am in love, i want to signify something and be significant. i want to love my beautiful man and bring fulfillment ot our lives, forgetting this stranger that imposes himself on something that is beautiful and changes my life.