Showing posts with label stalker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stalker. Show all posts

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

'a stalkers psychosis'

 'a stalkers psychosis'
30/12/13

Hi everyone, recently i realised that the experienced i had a few years ago was still troubling me. Not in a big obvious way but something of the feeling of being scared, powerless and hurt has gone deeper than i could have ever imagined. one of my new years resolutions is to engage with these effects and work through them. This thought prompted me to write a letter to myself about the experience. i needed to engage with it again to feel what had been felt. in this day and age we are so busy and too able to make everything alright. it wasn't alright so smoothing it over has somehow allowed it to do more damage than staring it in the face and simply dealing. i am posting it on the blog because a friend of mine read my letter after finding it on the table and made a short film using the words i wrote (first draft so to speak). Gine Maie wanted to offer a place for anyone who has had similar experiences to share and comment so feel free to add comments below or write to me personally if oyu would like to add a blog post here yourself. warm wishes and i hope you have a happy new year isolde

 ‘a stalkers psychosis’

I look into the mirror,
Seeing my own serene reflection,
But the depths of my eyes betray me,
Showing that all is not calm,
I have come so close to danger,
Tension created by his predetorial touch,

He pimps me with his eyes,
As I take off my coat and gloves,
In his psychosis my every move is for him,
He see’s a tanguera,
personal me isn’t in sight,

He checks me out,
I am unavailable,
He checks again and again,
I have to play host and teacher
But I should have told him to leave.

Letters of unrequited love,
When rebuked,
he makes me a whore,
I stand there in his minds eye,
In the hotel room he booked for my braking,
Standing vulnerable and alone,
In a forever alternating state,

Powerful, there to be broken,
Engaged to another man, lover, whore
Dressed and there for the taking,
Victim of my boyfriend’s jealousy?
(one of the many rumours he spread).

Followed over 100s of miles,
Asking if I am married yet?
I never know where he will turn up next,
Band from tango places, he waits outside,
When no one is watching, he finds me,
Cleverly making me feel stupid and small,
Taking pieces of me like ripped defences
I am left vulnerable and raw

Stronger, broader and taller
He scares me

The tanguera in me tells him it will never happen and leaves the room in disgust.

While introverted me is left to deal with feeling scared deeply, constant tense worry for my own safety when I leave the house by myself. I am changed and humbled, A letter to me (and all those who have shared a similar story, these things so often go unsaid

Stalkers and Men

18/7/11

Where is the limit between stalker and man? Are they two views we can choose to see of the same person, or an illusion of each depending on what we choose to see. when is the moment that a stalker becomes reality?

For months now there has been a man intruding into my life unwanted. This could just as easily be a women stalking, but now i talk of a man. With any number of situations, emails and calls that come to mind. You never think of a stalker until another person says the word. after that i went to the internet to look up what was written about people who stalk. there were thousands upon thousands of pages dedicated to the subject. A dictionary says:'to follow or approach (game, prey, etc) stealthily and quietly, to pursue persistently and, sometimes, attack (a person with whom one is obsessed).' it was almost like boxes i could tick off, did i feel like this mans prey? YES. Is he persistent? YES Is he stealthy? YES. Does he follow me around? YES. Then the dictionary goes on to say:'to walk in a haughty, stiff, or threatening way'. With this definition this man became a stalker in every aspect. i went on to read another site about stalker personalities and again the more i read, the more i feel this situation is strange. To add to the description above this website adds that a stalker is usually deluding themselves that a victim loves them, that the stalkers actions are done to show true love to the victim and often don't see the harm it causes. here's the link: http://www.esia.net/Common_Traits_of_Stalkers.htm

My story starts with a big tango event i was teaching in about 9 months ago. we had met before this when i was supporting the Malvern tango scene to get going. He was checking out my situation then but it seemed harmless and i was very clear that i am happy with my boyfriend. i get it alot, so thought nothing of it. 9 months ago Jim(not his real name and sorry to all the JIMs out there, nothing personal),started to sit in my line of sight, when ever i looked up he would be there. if i djed he would sit directly opposite, he would ask me to kiss him good night, and say things like i need a good man to keep me. i reply to this that i have a good man, he is in Holland, and walk away. it looked like i had a private lesson free. JIm says something like ' i know you need the money, so i will have the next private lesson with you'. it felt like he was trying say i could be bought. like a prostitute. i told him no. He doesn't take no for an answer. Through the whole event he was trying to make contact, but not in an open friendly way. he was trying to make me feel small, like i was seeing things and its my fault that this is happening to me. i didn't feel safe on my own, but it was more a feeling at this point. after 10 days of this i leave and go back home in the Netherlands.

When i got home i told my boyfriend everything because i have nothing to hide. I have never lead Jim on, i have always been friendly as suits a teacher with her students but there has always been a border to how friendly with this particular man, because it didn't feel clear what he wanted from me. i was left with a yucky feeling that i couldn't get rid of, i was worried that Jim would follow me to my home, i felt physically unsafe. Becoming more introverted in the month that followed and on top of this he entered my nightmares. i can't express how strongly disgusted and yucky i felt with what had happened, the words don't feel enough right now. Then i recieved an email, he was saying racist things about a friend of mine and how we would make such a great event together. i didn't reply. i didn't hear from him and thought it was finished with. But this is also the time when prank phone calls started with 'caller unknown'. i can't prove it was him, but i can't think of another who has given me reason to think it might not be Jim.

At the end of April i traveled to hereford for a weekend of workshops. Jim arrived early, and i kept the distance. Part of my job is to also be host in the weekend, you are one of the people most seen and therefore need to welcome people. so i said hello from a distance and carried on with preparing my djing list. as soon as he came through the door i knew i shouldn't be alone, i asked the organiser who is also a woman if she could make sure i am not left alone with him, and also not to arrange any private lessons with jim. i tried to stay away from him and with people around me for the whole weekend. on the sunday evening we all went to the pub for a meal. i happened to be on my own at the bar ordering a drink and he comes behind me and puts his arm around me as if he wanted to take the contact that i was avoiding. i moved away straight away. while he was doing this my friend also arrived there and looked at me as if this isn't right if he does that. he tried to buy us a drink and overrode my objections. that night my friend dropped me at the airport and i returned to Netherlands again. i got a very intimate email where he was expressing his love for me, that we had our first look, and a completely delusional account of the weekend from his point of view. he described us as two lovers that were kept apart by circumstance. he noticed i had a ring on my wedding ring finger that looks like an engagement ring. that i should run away from my boyfriend to him. He was making out that my boyfriend was holding me by force. Which is crazy of course.

I softly told him that i wasn't interested, that it wasn't an engagement ring but might as well be. if my boyfriend asked me to marry him i would. he replies to this with situations i have no idea about but was supposed to be there. i was supposed to have been in cheltenham in the last months, but haven't been there for years.he mentions my ring as being only in tango and not of any real worth. I told him before, i would marry my boyfriend if he asked me. my ring is for me, but doesn't deminish the idea. I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND AND WANT TO MAKE A LIFE WITH HIM. Jim tries to talk it away and create a stronger seeming bond between us, making out that i have done something my boyfriend might not like. My boyfriend knows everything. Lastly when i introduced the idea of the CABACEO which was a fun half hour of exercises and discussion, which i believe alot of people found invaluable. He says that i shouldn't lead all these men on and that the people aren't ready for the cabaceo. Upsetting their wives. All this in one letter.

His next email a day later is letting me know how many women (he supposedly) has around him and how lucky i am that he is looking at me. He talks about getting into girls knickers and generally seeing women as fickle and unable to make their own minds up about what they might want. i.e him. He asks me to run to him after quoting what i wrote about my boyfriend "It's not an engagement ring but might as well be. If he asked me I would say yes. I am building a life and home with Jacob."

My reply to this was please leave me alone and don't send me emails on this topic again. he pushes and pushes while making out that i am the one not doing what i should do, or leading men on etc etc. i got tired of it. each time he contacts me he brings back this feeling that i am not safe. he is bigger and stronger than i am, if i am alone i don't know what he will do. I FEAR FOR MY SAFETY!

He then went on to post on a facebook group for bristol that he was worried about mysafety and asked whether a friend of mine could check i was safe and ok with my boyfriend in Holland. Long story short letting the world think that we have a link and that he has a right to know about my safety. i had a small number of people getting in touch saying i should contact JIm and let him know i was ok. I felt like my only safety was in a group of people and that people knew there was no contact between us. He had publically taken that away.

About a month ago he contacted me again and asked if he was aloud to get in touch now. Nothing ad got through. he didn't respect me as a person and was deluding himself about our relationship. He wouldn't take no for an answer using physcological games to make me feel stupid and unreasonable.

3 weeks ago i gave workshops in Southampton. it was near the end of the class when i was summing the workshop up. Jim walks in and sits directly where i would see him. my heart dropped but i carried on with the class as normal. I finished the class and started djing. the organiser came up to me and asked what the story was. Jim had upset her door lady and was demanding that the woman on the door tell him if i had a wedding ring on my finger. he was asking over and over until she got the organiser. Jim was asked to leave.

Everything came together last night when i stupidly went to a bristol milonga which is a place i know he goes to dance. it was a last minute idea to go because we had just got back from teaching in france. thought it would be fun. Jim walked in and all the old things he would do were there again. he would hover closeby so i would definitely see him, or sit on the opposite side of the dance floor looking at me. when i first saw him ran upstairs because i didn't want to see him. i was looking for another way out of the building. Then i realised and thought that i shouldn't show him that i was bothered. i had also unconsciously covered up a beautiful dress with something less shape showing. i went and sat down with my friends again. they were staying with me as they knew part of the story. i decided after southampton that everyone should know whats going on. its the only way i can be safe again after his public announcement on the bristol facebook group. the organisers again asked me if i would like him band, but i asked that they look after any young women that might be in their milonga and leave it at that.

the only time i was alone was when i went into the kitchen to get some water. Jim followed me. i was too quick and nearly out of the corridor again (leading to the dancing room). we met in the corridor and he siddles up to me saying hello in a really patronizing voice. i said' don't talk to me' and walked on. he carried on in to the kitchen and i went and sat down again. then i was thinking a moment about all that had been. how he didn't take 'no' for an answer, and kept pushing. how he was intruding on my life physically not feeling safe, emotionally worrying about places where he could turn up and not wanting to be anywhere close to him. Affecting people who i am working with and upsetting people around me. i became angry that he thought it was ok to do all this. Angry that he could delude himself that i loved him without any foundation and doesn't listen when i say i am not available to him. Why should he be able to scare me. Then lastly i thought i must stop this. i had said 'no' him through email but not said anything face to face. so i walked into the kitchen and told him' that i never wanted to recieve any emails, texts, phone calls from him. i didn't want him to talk to me or upset people who i am working with. he started to try and reason with me and make me feel small again. i knew in that moment if i listened everything would be for nothing. i said what i had to say and left the kitchen. he left the milonga soon after.

i don't expect this is the end, but i hope for it. i woke up this morning with the need to write everything down. this man has abused me verbally, and if annoyed i have no trust in what he is capable of doing. part of me doesn't believe in this stalker, put as i take in other peoples reactions to what is going on, reading on the internet, and when it comes to it trusting my own feelings. This Jim is a stalker. he freaks me out and if he is annoyed i don't know what he will do. i fear for my safety in that and thankful that i don't live in the UK.

i don't know why i wanted to write. but then thoughts come having said this. stalkers are almost taboo to talk about, but why should be as a community protect those that do us harm, be it psychologically, emotionally or physically? i am protected because i am fairly prominent when i am in the tango places where i teach or Dj. i want to make this situation public so that those younger women (in this case) will be more aware that this sort of thing can happen and don't feel bad about cutting off from someone who does this to you. Tell everyone you know for your own protection. i was far too late in all this, being friendly when i should have put a wall. keeping the situation quiet just in case he really didn't mean what he was doing, but i should have made it public. lastly this Jim isn't a ma to me, he is a coward that tries to manipulate people who he thinks he can control. i know i am not the first or last woman this Jim has tried to control. A man lives with integrity and honour in his life, this Jim has none.

This is not a fictional piece and is written as naturally as my thoughts flow to the page.