Showing posts with label chameleon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chameleon. Show all posts

Friday, 4 January 2019

Chameleon woman



Once happy knowing herself, she walked full of confidence and promise into the unknown world of connection. Seeking new adventures and revelations, to learn new thoughts and ways to live in the world. She fought those who tried to squash her, or cause her harm. She grew to know only the cruelty that was the people around her.

Chameleon sat in the stillness in her own state. Forever mindful of the hot suns rays. From out of nowhere came a herd of people, without thought or desires they simply inhabited her space. Like a flood she heard their inner most thoughts, their desires and their tears the fears that they shared not. Insecurities that rot them to the core, responsibility for their lives abandoned to instant pleasures and gratification. She finds herself feeling more than her original bliss, more than the body absorbing suns kiss. Wave upon wave break over her head, she is struggling to breath, to feel the thoughts flow in her own head. Suffocating on unshielded remorse or unrequited love or was it after all the conceited wish to simply be loved. Known to the whole world for doing precisely nothing, these animals were strange in the importance they put on such things. 

She looked in one direction to feel panic and pain. Another brought joy but there it was, momentary food gluttony and then again. Yet another brought love and an intangible kind of ignorance, still further she searched for something more and a lot different. They were a group craving a group, they didn't belong and yet knew they could. Standing there with the technology of the day connecting to everyone yet not to those a stone throw away. Connecting to the world on metaphysical lines, but wanting the connection physical touch brings. 

The chameleon had lost herself in all this, her skin had changed quite a hundred times, to keep up with the feelings that washed through a now animal mind. Wave upon wave came from this ocean to wash over her consciousness and abrade her devotion to herself. Adapting thousands of times to the non essential, frivolousness of the collective animal. But as the sun died his temporary death, below the earths surface to his transitory place of rest, the human animals departed for the seeming safety of their homes. To wallow yet further in the days unconcerns. Putting their heads in the sand with films and with drink. With anything that might help them to sink, into unconscious peaceful oblivion and away from life's hard plans and sweaty stink.

Suddenly alone, confusion sets in. She has become nothing but a reaction machine. All her energy that was inside at the beginning of the day, was taken up with forever changing to this now gone herds emotional play. All sense of self lost. All energy to find it gone. She puts her head in the sand and wishes the life to be drowned out of her reptilian bones. Dreamless sleep was not meant to be, as they came forth as does a tyrant of bees. Stinging her into feeling the pain of being a live, knowing the knowledge that she can't just lay down and die. She rises in the cold midnight air, breathing in deeply and seeing the moon smiling at her. The moon asks her what she would do now, if all the worlds freedom was hers for the making. He asked her what she liked of her past, what she wanted from her future. She could only stand looking aghast. He sat there when she cried, laughed in the face of a seeming danger. Chameleon searched inwardly to the deepest parts of herself, she knew she was blessed but the not answers of the moons questions did her jest. So she searched on in her internal quest. Changing color like the shifting sky, through sunrise, to midday when the sun was again out to play. To evening and sunset and repeating all that. Night after night she would she his gentle face,  no wiser in the relentless days passing, missed. After one whole year and one whole day, the full moons face shone her way. He asked her again.

Chameleon women whispered that love is what she remembered, although hard to come by. Continually being molded by past stories like a lump of unrefined clay. Moon asked again feigning the inability to hear. She spoke again, this time with frustration a little more clear. As she did so, a myriad colors glimmered under her skin. Subdued by their depth but with a willingness to thrive therein. Full moon smiled at her answer. Chameleon i will grant you one wish, for you have given me great joy and great sadness together in one delectable dish. i have watched you for a year and a day,  your color shifting like the ever active thoughts inside you unable to obey. The answer was simple, but you didn't trust it when the question was first asked. Like a prince who has to go on a mission to find hardship before he can be king. You needed to find yourself and what was within. You are the strongest of your kind that i ever had pleasure to watch in the din. I wish you to come to me in my realm, but leave you free to take up your own path. Know that i love you.

In that moment chameleon women spoke, she asked to have wings to fly away from the earth. Far away from the noisy consciousnesses of the animals here. To find a place where she could be herself, embalmed in serenities embrace. Souring through the emptiness of space. She wanted to fly closer to the sun and feel his unhindered warmth. Bath in the moons tranquility and feel the safety within his gentle magnetic pull. The moon was a little a taken back. Never in all his lifetime had he expected this. This creature would come to his domain and live a life so like his own. He was born to loneliness and now not alone.


Sunday, 28 August 2016

Art work and creativity by Isolde Kanikani

 Art has always played a huge part in my life. Whether it be with painting, dancing making music or helping others to make art, its always been there. Taking many forms like modeling for photographers and model shoots. Sometimes these get shown and sometimes remain something hidden or become part of a paid for portfolio by some business or artist or other. Most of all art has been a way of relaxing, expressing present situations and exploring myself in process. The end result being secondary. Now i am finding some of the pictures that have moved me and i am left wondering what to do with this part of my world.













Saturday, 19 March 2016

Introverted, emotional or sensitive?



Introverted, emotional or sensitive is a subject that has come up in many of my conversations recently. I am not an expert on any of these but feel a constant question over emotions and how they affect me individually and others in relation to me. I have seen that to be introverted is the new cool and emotional often portrayed as something negative. Sensitive on the other hand has connotations of good but weak. Or at least this is my take on it. Alongside these 3 words a further question arises, are we all made equal? I am guessing not from the myriad of people out there with their multitude of variations where emotional intelligence is concerned.

I would say I fall under all three categories but at the same time feel strongly that these and their counterparts are simply a tool for helping us understand ourselves, rather than something that is inherently good or bad. Its Like a tool kit full of a small range of tools we are born to use. These tools have a natural purpose like a hammer for hitting things or scissors for cutting. By understanding them you can not only bang a nail into a wall but you can create a a building. For me introversion and extroversion are similar. I was strongly effected by the negative associations that people had with introversion when i was growing up. i would get asked why i am quiet or shy. i learned to hide it in favour of a set of behavior patterns that would be considered extroverted, but little did i realize that to do this took a lot more energy than the natural extroverts used. I got exhausted more quickly and had to hide alone for a while to recuperate my energy. This in term made me feel bad because i wasn't living up to the extroverted ideal. Recently i came across an article on Linked In celebrating the abilities of introverts and it started me on the journey to exploring this personality trait i seem to have and what it means for me. Further letting go of some of these patterns that in actual fact hurt me energetically and leave me drained. I am in a process of becoming more myself and showing it.

I think for myself the idea of being emotional is a matter of opinion and seems to be a lot less clear than the personality traits above. My recent discovery of a book called the highly sensitive person while slow going was intriguing for the idea that someone had put some science behind the idea of being sensitive. i would consider myself someone with deep seated emotions and until about 9 years ago never opened up to anyone. The process of sharing my inner world with others has been difficult and rewarding. But the more i share the more i realize how truly unique all are in our experiences of emotions, their intensity and complexity. Added to this is the part we give them in our lives. Some ive sway to their emotional sub world while others hardly allow them to exist.

Over sensitivity to others is also intriguing me. When i was younger i became really confused when what i sensed of others around me didn't match with what they talked about. With some they later confessed that i saw more quickly than they had what they were feeling and that they needed time to catch up, sometimes resenting me for my sensitivity. While with others, they either weren't wanting to admit to the emotions or i had got it wrong. Making the whole process very hard to learn from. Because its only in hindsight that i can ever tell what the situation was and how i can improve the perception of emotions in people around me in the future.

So in conclusion i dub myself an introvert with extrovert tendencies. Deeply and complexly emotional while being highly sensitive to those around me. The challenge for me through the years has always to avoid my chameleon tendencies of fitting in with the needs and wishes of those around me and find a firm footing for myself to be as I was meant to be. The search is still on.

 

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