Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Keep the love flowing

Its been a short time since i have been single again, and it in many ways this should have have happened much sooner. But everything is easier in hindsight. The relationship was beautiful while we were working together keeping the magic alive, but due to things i feel we weren't able to deal with, this time was actually quite quickly replaced by hanging onto something. Something that was indeed beautiful, meaningful and worth nurturing. And somehow we together weren't knowledgeable enough about how to do this, not in agreement about how to move beyond this. But for me now i talk for myself.

In an almost 10 year relationship starting from the moment we met to the moment i found my whole future had changed with my loves wishes, to the moment he set me free and me leaving. i loved deeply and lost myself. Partly due to my own chameleon like nature searching for harmony, and partly due to the fact i was so young when making this commitment to a man who was older and naturally more set in his ways. We met on a level of communication that suited us, but as i developed over the years i got more and more frustrated by not being able to share things and feeling like there were things happening between us that would take months and months to talk about and even shed one word. It improved slowly but we grew apart in what we wanted. Due to live changing changes not being communicated i was very slow in realising that what i wanted and had thought to be possible with this man indeed wasn't. And sadly most of these things had developed because of our first years together and the beautiful strong feeling that was developed. The last 3 years were spent in a sort of limbo between being happy and being scared of losing all that i had worked hard for in my home. Home being the new country i had moved to, the change in my way of working, the dreams that we had once shared of a home and family, stopping with a dance partner i really miss, learning dutch tax law of all things to run a business. I changed my life for love and when it left me i was suddenly free of working hard for a life i had loved but now didn't fit me any longer. The relationship being thoroughly mourned by the upheaval of being pushed away and pulled in again time after time.

I surprised myself that while i was deeply sad underneath i was ready to move on in 2 or 3 weeks. Getting out there again, not holding myself back to be with someone who was in the end very different, very loveable but hard work to connect with. After some weeks of experimenting, dating, catching up with old possibles and questioning myself constantly in what i wanted. i have moved into a new phase. i hadn't realised that the underlying thing i have been afraid of was being left, in many ways by many people i have been left all my life and its been a big dissapointment. i learned to cut off, to not show myself which wasn't very healthy and i pushed myself more than ever to overcome this with my ex man. i don't tell this because i feel sorry for myself but to explain the context. i process things super quickly and last week i reallised my fear, and also that its unfair to expect people to stay forever. This weekend i took some time for myself and let these ideas process. i am still scared to love, and still scared of people leaving but decided to embrace the people around me anyway and keep the love flowing.

Forever thankful to the friends who have grown in the last months, the beautiful men i have met and got to know and the things life is bringing into my world now that i am open to it.




Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Valhalla that is my heart where loved ones reside



These last months of situations and last years of in one sense losses in my life have lead to a somewhat sound sense of what death means to me. Be it the little death or a shedding of skins that leads to new possibilities of horizons, le petit morte which is definitely not as bad as it sounds, the death of body of loved ones and even my own mortality. Death can be both beautiful and positive as it can be upsetting causing deep emotions of grief  and loneliness. So a half poem half text dedicated to all these myriad moments where one reality it shedded and let go for a new one.

Hiding from feeling anything
And yet not hiding at all
am i in shock or denial,
Intense pain or exuberant freedom
that is intoxicating every cell of my body.
Shedding the skins of bounderies and hurts past
for a radiant glistening skin

i am human, i am myself again
i am feeling and analytical and living
I am my loves and i am my friends
I am all that is my family
There is no we anymore, no second heart to care for
Only my own, which seems to be a busy place
I miss your heart and realize i am surrounded by them

Valhalla that is my heart where loved ones reside,
by choosing to feel intensely i open myself to love
and pain in equal measure,
Not to love is no life at all
Valhalla of my heart where you reside
Grandpas, grandmas, my beloved uncle, 
father, mother, brother and cousins

Valhalla that is my heart with open doors to another world
of acceptance and love, closeness, longing and desire.
Existing and believing we are worth our deepest most profound dreams
Thankful to the man who showed me love exists,
and to another who showed me what is could become,
to the others who have touched my soul with your grace
others who brought pain so bad as to make me renew myself.

Valhalla that is my hurt hurting with continual expansion,
yet feeling at peace with its new metamorphosed existance,
Friends who are like stable rocks, new ones like family you never had.
Old ones who have become brothers and sisters
and a cousin who for eternity will be a mix of these all.
People keep you company on the road fo life,
taking you down the highway  with its easy access and flow
At times down a hidden forgotten path
with obstacles that befuddle you and keep you lost
until miraculously you find the main road leading continuously
into the near or far future where i will also rest.
But for now touching every now and again the love that resides in my heart.

Saturday, 21 May 2016

Are we fated & is there someone looking out for us up there?

Today has been a day of fun, reminders that somehow the universe knows what one needs and difficulty knowing how to act respectfully in regards to a decision one personally completely doesn't understand. Are we regulated by fate, some force to be defined or simply randomly exist without any guidance at all?

This is such an individual topic without right answers, simply a recognition of how you might feel about events in relation to your life and the possibility of choice.

i can only write about my own experiences today. Today i believe that somehow miraculously the universe sent me the things i needed. In not so many words you could say the universe made me feel beautiful and appreciated by sending me asian guys and a really cute guy i would have liked to get to know a bit more but didn't take the opportunity. I was a bit surprised by it to respond. being followed by a car for a few blocks is fairly normal but the important thing is that it made me laugh where i only felt sad before. It seems that when you are on the right path you are looked after by the universe and when on the bumpy side road to no where its simply difficult. i just got on the highway again after quite some years of bumpy.

So is this a form of reward for being in the right place or is fate such that you get the good with the bad. While i can't answer this question i can feel blessed today. Thank you...


Saturday, 19 March 2016

Introverted, emotional or sensitive?



Introverted, emotional or sensitive is a subject that has come up in many of my conversations recently. I am not an expert on any of these but feel a constant question over emotions and how they affect me individually and others in relation to me. I have seen that to be introverted is the new cool and emotional often portrayed as something negative. Sensitive on the other hand has connotations of good but weak. Or at least this is my take on it. Alongside these 3 words a further question arises, are we all made equal? I am guessing not from the myriad of people out there with their multitude of variations where emotional intelligence is concerned.

I would say I fall under all three categories but at the same time feel strongly that these and their counterparts are simply a tool for helping us understand ourselves, rather than something that is inherently good or bad. Its Like a tool kit full of a small range of tools we are born to use. These tools have a natural purpose like a hammer for hitting things or scissors for cutting. By understanding them you can not only bang a nail into a wall but you can create a a building. For me introversion and extroversion are similar. I was strongly effected by the negative associations that people had with introversion when i was growing up. i would get asked why i am quiet or shy. i learned to hide it in favour of a set of behavior patterns that would be considered extroverted, but little did i realize that to do this took a lot more energy than the natural extroverts used. I got exhausted more quickly and had to hide alone for a while to recuperate my energy. This in term made me feel bad because i wasn't living up to the extroverted ideal. Recently i came across an article on Linked In celebrating the abilities of introverts and it started me on the journey to exploring this personality trait i seem to have and what it means for me. Further letting go of some of these patterns that in actual fact hurt me energetically and leave me drained. I am in a process of becoming more myself and showing it.

I think for myself the idea of being emotional is a matter of opinion and seems to be a lot less clear than the personality traits above. My recent discovery of a book called the highly sensitive person while slow going was intriguing for the idea that someone had put some science behind the idea of being sensitive. i would consider myself someone with deep seated emotions and until about 9 years ago never opened up to anyone. The process of sharing my inner world with others has been difficult and rewarding. But the more i share the more i realize how truly unique all are in our experiences of emotions, their intensity and complexity. Added to this is the part we give them in our lives. Some ive sway to their emotional sub world while others hardly allow them to exist.

Over sensitivity to others is also intriguing me. When i was younger i became really confused when what i sensed of others around me didn't match with what they talked about. With some they later confessed that i saw more quickly than they had what they were feeling and that they needed time to catch up, sometimes resenting me for my sensitivity. While with others, they either weren't wanting to admit to the emotions or i had got it wrong. Making the whole process very hard to learn from. Because its only in hindsight that i can ever tell what the situation was and how i can improve the perception of emotions in people around me in the future.

So in conclusion i dub myself an introvert with extrovert tendencies. Deeply and complexly emotional while being highly sensitive to those around me. The challenge for me through the years has always to avoid my chameleon tendencies of fitting in with the needs and wishes of those around me and find a firm footing for myself to be as I was meant to be. The search is still on.

 

Other articles in the Locura genre:

Consulting your inner dream dictionary

Globe trotter, without the baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage
Lonely planet, globetrotter without the baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage
Lonely planet, Globetrotter without baggage

Cheap tickets to an exotic destination
Cheap tickets to an exotic destination, whats your flight status?



Wednesday, 2 March 2016

21 Beautifully Nostalgic photos of Buenos Aires

Yesterday i began sorting through the many thousands of photos i have collected up over the years. As a professional dancer i got to travel to many interesting places around the globe for giving workshops and performances and the wonderful excuse of going to Argentina for training. With 11 visits to Buenos Aires under my belt and each for 1-3 months. Its been a place where i have grown as a person, fallen in love, learned my art and fallen in love with a culture. My Business name Cielito comes from the first place i stayed in Argentina called El Cielo, aptly named for being on the third floor and having an amazing roof top terrace completely open to the sky.  Along side the dancing and upgrading my dance level, i often got out to photograph the city. It was a wonderful way to enjoy the weather and see something more of this amazingly beautiful and varied city. Stepping out of the tourist traps into the unknown backstreets with political graffiti, street art of all shapes and sizes and somehow a more authentic Buenos Aires than the places you might first visit on arrival. Its funny to think back that i was very shy about taking a lot of photos with a good camera, mostly because of the poverty i saw there and felt strange having so much myself. Other times i took out a very basic small camera because of this feeling, so this restricted the quality i could get at times.

One of my favourite things to photograph is the combination of interesting buildings and all types of weather. Another interest that works well within this is street art combined with people authentically doing their thing rather than posing for the camera. Mixing up textures, shape and light sometimes with strong edits and often I show the raw photo as it was taken.

 Buenos Aires is more than the capital of tango. When walking in the streets and moving through various Barrios or districts, one gets the distinct feeling of stepping between multiple worlds. Where the boundery between one and another can be the difference of a street. With a myriad of themes ranging from political graffiti, forgotten gardens, highrised buildings, the reserve, the river itself, florida with well kept modern feeling, plaza Dorriego with its mix of tourism and antiquated nostalgia to name a few. Buenos Aires is well worth a visit for anyone who loves buildings and history, not to mention the rich folk dance culture of argentina that is often faded out by the better known Argentine tango.



Avenida 9 de Julio, Buenos Aires


Avenida 9 de Julio, Buenos Aires


La Boca, Buenoa Aires


La Boca, Buenoa Aires


Palace of the Argentine National Congress, Buenos Aires


Plaza de Mayo, Buenos aires


El  caminito, La Boca, Buenos Aires


El  caminito, La Boca, Buenos Aires


Defensa, Buenos  Aires

DNI estudio, Buenos Aires

 
 Estados Unidos, Buenos Aires


San Telmo, Buenos Aires


Avenida Paseo de Colon


El  caminito, La Boca, Buenos Aires

 
San Telmo, Buenos Aires

Avenida Intendente de Hernan M.Giralt, Buenos Aires

Avenida Intendente de Hernan M.Giralt, Buenos Aires 

 
Rivadavia, Buenos Aires 

 

Rivadavia, Buenos Aires 

Avenida Entre Rios, Buenos Aires
 
Plaza San Martin, Buenos Aires (Sepia edit)

Like to see more photos? Then check out the link below:

Photography of living ice
http://www.chicloca.com/2016/01/photography-nature-images-living-ice.html


Black and white photos with a splash of colour by Gine Maie

Little acts of kindness while….